Receiving the news this week that my sister-in-law chose to kill herself felt as if all of my old wounds were ripped open again. I was flooded with memories of repeated painful traumas endured and inflicted within my family.
It’s as if trauma is the heartbeat of our family.
At one point in life, I chose to remove myself from this family in order to break my own cycle of trauma, and I then began the journey toward healing myself. I could feel it in my bones that staying associated with my family members could only hurt me and others more. For everyone’s sake I could no longer stay silent about my experiences, which is often an unwritten rule in families riddled with trauma.
Cycles of trauma have a way of creeping into our lives like a slow drip that eventually drowns you. You don’t even realize you’re living in chaos because that’s all you’ve ever known. People often become addicted to trauma. We must break the cycle and prioritize our healing in order to crack the shell of our families’ trauma cycles that continue to plague us.
My sister-in-law, Brenda, was trapped in cycles of pain and trauma
I lived in those cycles most of my life. If I had not chosen a path of healing and had stayed connected with that side of my family, I painfully realize it could have been me who ended their life.
Brenda was not herself over the last decade or so. I could feel her pain. She didn’t know how to achieve peace she craved. Lashing out became her coping mechanism. I know what that’s like. I’ve lashed out at my husband many times. Once again, it could’ve been me.
Brenda was raped as a child. Being raped as a child has an effect on you that most people cannot even comprehend. I’m calling it what it is. Rape. She was a child of God, a pure, innocent child of God, and her little body did not deserve that!
Brenda did her best in this lifetime to overcome her multiple traumas
Trauma has a way of staying with us until we acknowledge and process it. My heart aches that she was a tortured soul trying her best to find the light in this crazy fucking world.
I’ve seen family curses like ours crush many in their path as they’re played out. Family curses are very real.
I believe Brenda chose the light in the end, even if society sees it differently. She knew she had to be set free from the chains.
Brenda loved her kids more than anyone will ever know. Her pure heart was by many daggers from her experiences in this thing called life.
The worst dagger of all was losing her baby Gabby a few short days after birth. Gabby was a pure angel of light, an angel on earth who radiated diamond light. Losing Gabby sent Brenda down a long path of more extreme darkness, and she was drowning in it.
I forgave Brenda years ago for the anger she held toward me later on in our relationship. I knew it wasn’t her and that she was suffering. I knew she was being controlled by darkness. But I knew that I’d have the best chance to heal if I stayed away from my family.
My Prayer for Brenda
I pray for Brenda to be at peace with her daughter Gabby on the other side. I pray for my aunt Linda and uncle Dewey, also in that plane, to wrap their angel wings around her and hold her in God’s glory.
I pray for archangels to surround her with swords of love and the shield of faith, commanding victory to the one who creates.
Angels, please hold Brenda so tightly that she lets go of all her old trauma and is reminded that she is a pure child of God.
She is worthy.
She is beauty.
She is free.
A note from Lolo Light Foundation: Brenda represents all of the human beings we strive to support through our programs. We have seen people survive terrible darkness and come out better each day through being loved and learning to love themselves. That is the mission of Lolo Light.