The journey to heal from childhood sexual abuse
I had some injections from my doctor yesterday. I had about 40 in my shoulder area where I have long-term, constant chronic pain. Honestly, I’ve had chronic pain all over my entire body for years now. It never goes away. It’s just always there.
I’ve tried a million things for it in the physical realm, in the spiritual realm, and I mean, you name it. I get very frustrated that I have it. I’m used to dealing with pain because I’ve had it since I was seven years old. It’s not new to me. I’m just used to living with it.
Having those injections stirred up some trauma. I was going to bed last night and I had this huge realization about why I’m still in pain. It came through so strongly. It’s not my soul. My physical body is terrified to go to sleep! All of the pain, the anxiety, everything, ramps up at night.
Why does this pain come up right when I’m trying to go to bed? I have anxiety and pain during the day too, but it ramps up at night.
I realized that my body is terrified due to sexual trauma
My body is terrified to go to sleep because of what used to happen to it in the middle of the night.
Most of the time I was drugged by my father. It was almost better being drugged, honestly. I would be woken up in the night, and that’s why my body is just terrified to sleep. My body is scared to death, still.
There are so many layers of shame and guilt and secrecy and yuckiness when you try to heal from sexual abuse
The reason I’m sharing this is that I realize when the layers of trauma and the layers of the psyche get shattered, it takes a long time to put all these pieces back together and to allow your body time to heal.
I’ve had it in my head that I’m not supposed to share my pain. I’m here to share happiness and joy, and I’m always supposed to be happy.
But now I realize that’s not why I’m here. Yes, there are times when I’m going to share happiness and beauty, but I’m also here to share this horrific story so that people can learn. So that people can understand how to help people that have gone through sexual abuse. Healing is very confusing and there are so many layers to it.
I’ve been on this journey for so long now, 20-something years of this healing journey. This realization that my body is terrified is a big step. I was doing some breath work this morning, and I was like, “Yeah, my body’s terrified.”
At first, I didn’t want to tell anybody about my realization
I feel like it puts pressure on me. That I’m supposed to instantly heal. Or, I’m supposed to be out of pain because my rational brain knows why I’m in pain.
But I know that when I share this type of deep secret, I usually have a massive breakthrough because I’ve shared my truth. It’s transparency, who I am, and where I’m at in this journey.
The reason I developed gifts is that I mastered escaping this realm as a child
I felt Mother Mary and Mary Magdalene and Jesus and Joan of Arc come to me this morning. They just held me and my little body… I felt like Mother Mary was kissing all of my wounds and all the places where there was pain. It was just beautiful.
They reminded me of the reason I have the gifts that I have today. Because I mastered leaving my body at such a young age, I mastered escaping this realm. I believe this fully. Many people with this trauma kill themselves or end up on drugs and on the streets just trying to escape the pain.
There are so many others suffering from this trauma and pain
I listened to a woman share her story of being trafficked the other day. When I listened to her, I related with her so much when she said, “I’m embarrassed to say this,” or “I’m embarrassed to say about my behavior when…”
There’s a part of her story where she had a child and then her abusive husband took the child. She ended up going into the army. Some people, would say, “That’s terrible and you should stay and fight for your child.” But she said, “I was not in a state of mind to do that.” People just don’t understand what you are going through.
I’m here to be a guide for others who have experienced sexual abuse
I realized today that my whole journey is about going through the different layers of healing from sexual abuse so that I can guide others through these stages of healing. I will hold that container and that space for them. I want them to know that it’s a lifetime journey and a process of healing each layer one by one. One program or healing event won’t do it all, but step by step you will get better.
My friend Kami says, “Pain is a driving force to make change.” It can be really hard to go through but can lead to making a difference. We created Lolo Light to support people suffering from this pain and to drive solid change in this world. To create a world where all children live in safety, love, and dignity.